iCant Stand This
by BoxOfTrinkets
Summary: she's not good enough. he doesnt want her. this is her addiction. this is her pain. and this is where she deals...


_You're ugly. You're stupid. You're worthless. You're fat. Your ugly you're stupid you're worthless you're ugly. Youruglyyourstupidyour…_she repeats over and over in her head, clutching the words to her heart like a mantra and using them as her one tie with reality. She leans over the toilet and struggles to regain her breathing. She takes a shuddering breath and shoves the first two sticky fingers of her left hand down her ruined throat again and again and she vomits out her lunch, her hate and her insecurity. Her stomach muscles constrict painfully and she chokes on a sob as she shoves her fingers further into her mouth. She leans back against the wall and concentrates on breathing. She can taste blood and she can see some smeared on her fingers. She closes her eyes and forces herself to keep in the tears welling up in her eyes and the sob that's building up in her throat. She breathes. Her shoulders feel lighter and she feels a sick sense of accomplishment. Because she might get thinner. And he wouldn't look at Carly all the time. Maybe he would look at her every now and again.

Completely unbeknownst to her is the fact that her entire performance is being heard by a brunette teenager with wide dark eyes and a breaking heart who wants nothing more than to open the door and scream at her, scream at her because he loves her, scream at her because she's hurting herself scream because he saw her eat her burger with the look of distaste and he heard the tremble in her voice as she muttered she was off to the bathroom, and he saw how Carly watched her impossibly thin best friend stumble to the bathroom and expertly hide her fear and pain behind her long, dark eyelashes and she turns back to the television and tunes out the world. He knows she can hear Sam too. He also knows he's the only one who cares.

* * *

_You're ugly. You're stupid. You're worthless. You're fat. Your ugly you're stupid you're worthless you're ugly. Youruglyyourstupidyour…_she repeats it over and over in her head, clutching the words to her heart like a mantra and using them as her one tie with reality. She curls up on herself on the bathroom floor and slides the razor blade across the shredded and ruined skin of her forearm. She draws in a shuddered breath and draws a new line for every word she heard the brunette tell her in the hallway. I slash kissed slash Freddie three slashes. She bites down on her lip and watches as the blood beads up on her wrist and then make its way down the white milky skin of her bony forearm and hit the bathroom floor. She breathes. Her chest feels lighter and she feels some of the sadness seeping out of her arm. Sadness because there dating now and he smiles all the time and even though he's in crutches and he's all limping he looks like a homeless man who won the lottery he's so happy he shines. And she loves how he looks when he's happy. But she hates why he's happy. She draws another line slowly.

Completely unbeknownst to her is the fact that her entire performance isn't witnessed or heard but the evidence is clearly visible to the boy holding the camera when she and his girlfriend dance and jump around for the entire internet to see. He knows why she has the marks on her arm and he knows why she's so skinny now and why her once brilliant blue eyes are now dull and rimmed with dark charcoal circles and she seems so weak. He deletes all the comments asking what's wrong with Sam and why she's so thin and he deletes the comments asking why she had marks on her arms and he deletes them because he doesn't want her to know that he knows. Because she still smiles and throws things at him and he knows she's happy thinking she has a dirty little secret of her own. And he wants to keep her happy. Because he loves her and at that moment keeping her happy is the least he can do.

* * *

_You're ugly. You're stupid. You're worthless. You're fat. Your ugly you're stupid you're worthless you're ugly. Youruglyyourstupidyour…_she repeats the words over and over in her head, clutching the words to her heart like a mantra and using them as her one tie with reality. She stares at her reflection in the bathroom mirror with disgust and hate and tears seep out of her eyes and she's shaking with the pain and the anger. Pain because he broke up with her and he can walk now and he still looks happy and he hasn't. Talked to her. Not the way she wanted him to. He hasn't told her the words she longs to hear. It's all your fault. She silently curses the mirror. She glares back at the ugly, fat, stupid, worthless girl in the mirror and she pulls her tiny fist back and slams it into the glass with every ounce of force she had left in her tiny fragile body. She feels the glass break and she lets out a surprised yelp as she feels the glass shards tear open the skin of her hand and the pain finally catches up to her and a loud sob escapes her throat as she cradles her bleeding hand against her chest.

Completely unbeknownst to her is the fact that her entire performance is overheard by him and the minute he hears the glass shatter he bangs open the door and finds her on the floor, clutching her bleeding hand and shaking with sobs.

"Sam!" he kneels down next to her and attempts to take her injured hand but she twists away and screams at him to leave. Her words hit him in the chest but he ignores the pain and wraps his arms around her shoulders that feel far too thin and delicate beneath her sweater and pulls her close to him and she struggles and he holds her tighter and runs his hands through her hair and whispers soothing nothings into her ear in an attempt to calm her down. She stops struggling and seems to collapse on herself. She turns herself and, still holding her bleeding hand to her chest, lets Freddie cradle her to his chest and she cries. Freddie allows a few tears to seep out of his eyes and run down his face and lets her cry into him because he loves her. And he knows she needs this right now.

_Freddie Freddie Freddie Freddie freddiefreddiefreddie…_ she sobs the word over and over into his sweater, clutching the words to her heart like a mantra and using him as her one tie to reality. Her head swims and her weak body shakes with sobs and she cries out her pain to him and lets herself get lost in his spicy sent and the feelings of his fingers through her hair. She doesn't hear him whisper over and over that he loves her. She doesn't hear herself say it back. But for the first time in months, she drifts into the darkness of sleep with a feeling of peace.


End file.
